I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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