She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
