I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
