First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
