I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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