I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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