What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
