You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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