based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
