I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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