My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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