Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
