I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
