Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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