He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
