Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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