God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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