I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
