You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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