how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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