how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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