The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
