how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
