Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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