I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
