Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
