Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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