Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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