found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Come share oat with me in your robe
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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