Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
