I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
