I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
