Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
