The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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