Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
