Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
