im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
