So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
