the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
