How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
