I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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