if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
