i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
