My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Do vagina's smell?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
