Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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