If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
