Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
