I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
