Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
