I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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